These are the 11 most violent crimes against bagels

As a New Yorker, I’m not ashamed to admit that my city does so much incorrectly: our rent is too damn high, our commutes too damn long, and rats, not the mayor, rule the city.

If there’s one thing this 8-million-plus-person  hellhole mostly gets right, it’s bagels. Our bakers got it down: New York City bagels are the right combination of fluffy, chewy, crispy and doughy. We know the proper cream cheese serving size. We are strict about our flavors. We have standards for bagel coloration and we’ll be damned if you call Lender’s a “bagel.”

But perhaps more than any other bread, bagels are vulnerable to culinary crimes. It’s time this breakfast staple belonged to a protected class of foods. .

Here are some of the worst crimes against bagels.

Trigger warning: Some of the following images feature violence against bagels, and may not be suitable for all audiences. 

1. Bagels sliced like bread

Bagels should only be sliced down the middle. Any additional cuts are cruel and unusual punishment. If you see a bagel with more than one slice, please refer the case to the court of Twitter.

2. Breakfast-flavored bagels

Full disclosure: I am a lifelong Panera loyalist. I would donate my left kidney just for a chance to eat their discontinued roast beef and asiago sandwich again.

That being said, I will not stand for their French toast bagel, which far exceeds bagel sweet standards. Bagels are supposed to be savory, not sugary. The French toast bagel is a grotesque violation of bagel code.

3. Bagel doughnuts

I have not yet tried the bagel-doughnut hybrid from B. Doughnuts in Virginia, yet I’m fully prepared to knock it. How dare doughnuts, who already enjoy so much viral privilege, appropriate the best bagel seasoning? 

Stay in your lane, doughnuts.

In May 2017, Einstein Bagels introduced a caffeinated bagel, dubbed “The Espresso Buzz Bagel.” The bagel allegedly contains 32 milligrams of caffeine, about one-third of the amount that’s in an 8-ounce cup of coffee. 

Again, coffee and bagel are both wonderful breakfast treats but they should be served separately. As a tea drinker, I’m appalled that someone would even consider mixing the two.

5. Scooped-out bagels

Bagels deserve to be full-bodied treats. Let them be the big beautiful breads they are. I’m all for healthy eating, but that shouldn’t come at the expense of bagels. Bagel scooping is bagel mutilation.

6. Frozen Lender’s bagels

Frozen pizza is good. Frozen bagels are bad. They’re far too small, far too rigid and far too frozen. They have no biological relationship to the modern bagel and they should be banned from the category forever.

7. Flashy neon bagels

I love bagels because of their earth tones. In 2016, however, Brooklyn bagel shop Bagel Store introduced a rainbow bagel, attracting tourists and gawkers from miles away.

Again, this is a violation of bagel coloration code.

8. Lox on a cinnamon bagel

Gubernatorial candidate Cynthia Nixon raised eyebrows and heckles when she ordered lox on a cinnamon bagel while on the campaign trail last fall. Say what you will about Nixon’s radical agenda, her bagel order was clearly a step too far for those of us in the bagel mainstream. Fish should never be in the same room as cinnamon bread, forget on the same bagel.

Her order was indefensible. 

9. Blueberry bagels

Blueberry bagels violate the bagel code of ethics by virtue of being: too blue, too sweet, and too much a berry.

If you see a friend order a blueberry bagel, please consider talking them down.

Originally sold by the Bagel Nook in Freehold, New Jersey, this bagel is a crime against other bagels. Bagels shouldn’t be spicy. They should be deeply banal and plain. Even cinnamon raisin is a step too far some bagel traditionalists, but that seems unnecessarily restrictive.

Flamin’ Hot Cheetos bagels have no place in the bagel canon.

11. Verbal crimes against bagels

Anyone who disrespects bagels by accusing them of being unhealthy is committing a bagel crime. That’s bagel harassment. Give the bagel the respect it deserves.

Tell bagels how much you love them, everyday and to every person you know.